So I need money. So I walk around for days and then weeks resisting the idea that I might have to apply for a job. Part of me is thinking that taking a job is like going back to square one. But then – I surrender. And spend a few hours to research what’s there and the next day a few hours to write six applications, ask friends for proof-reading and the next day they are out. Finally decided. Feels good. Then I stumble upon a video where a teenager explains how he put up an online-shop and made two million dollars in five months reselling one item he marketed through ad targeting.
What!?! I feel stupid. He made per week what no job would make me per year. And he’s younger than me. Shame and defeat. Actually anger. And doubt. And my decision? Vanished into thin air. Feels like I’m back where I was three days ago.
Wait. That’s exactly what I was afraid of when I wanted to find a job. Ahem. Here’s the details of my psychoanalysis: I’m afraid to go back. Why? I don’t want to waste time. Life is short and I want to build something. What do I exactly want to build then? Actually, I don’t know. That thought sounds like an excuse: Any move could lead down a path that leads to a dead end and I would have to return, so I will stand here and not move. Typical maze situation.
The problem is not to choose the right thing, the problem is the perpetual state of resisting to decide in the first place. So, what would MacGyver do? Either build a boat out of a match box and float away or find a way to end up in a state where taking a decision feels OK and doesn’t have to be resisted.
To be continued.