I cannot judge by the feeling of sadness. Throughout the day, sitting in the studio in half-darkness and clicking, in knowledge of the sunny weather outside, feels grotesque and painful. It feels the same way the question “What bad did I do in my life that I have to be punished this brutal way?” feels, if I allow myself to feel it. And the thought of doing this five of seven days a week feels intimidating.
That being said, after pushing through the motivational pit, the feeling of fulfillment is big. Way bigger than on a day where motivation came by itself. I didn’t feel inspired in the afternoon today, but I feel content when the evening begins and I allow myself to enjoy the evening – in contrast to the days where I do fill inspired thtoughout the day but never come to the point where it feels like I’ve done enough. I never stop. On a day like today I do stop, because I’m pissed off and grateful that I’ve survived. More frustration creates more rewarding after-party.
That’s not all – I also feel connected to the people that were involved in the frustration. I know the customer is happy with my work and because I had a meeting and some e-mail communication and some phone calls, I feel like I have made a contribution to something. And again the frustration that I experienced makes the contribution more substantial. It’s not that the result of my work is objectively better because I suffered more. It’s more that the measurement of fulfillment is not objective. My feeling of having gone through something makes whatever the result is feel more substantial. As if whatever took more energy to create felt heavier. Ladies and gentlemen: E=mc2.